Things seemed to be turning around but this past week we have had to take two steps backwards in progress.  We were anticipating being able to take Tia out of the detention center for some family time.  But the kabosh has been put on that.  Her juvenile justice worker was up there last week and while he was there Mr Peach talked to him about how we could arrange to make this happen.  The J.J. said that we have no legal standing with Tia therefore it was not going to happen.  Just another example of how the legalities stand in the way of making some progress in this case.

So we have to wait until the court date in September to see if maybe we can FINALLY make some progress.  I hope it doesn’t turn out to be another disappointing, nothing accomplished, kind of day.  We shall see what the future brings us.

The other disconcerting event happened while I was speaking with Tia on her Tuesday phone call.  I always ask her how her week or weekend has been.  She is very open about what struggles she is or has been dealing with over the last few days since speaking with us last.  I like to keep up on it so I can get a feel for what her most regular difficulties are.

So, as always I asked her how the weekend was.  She said she wasn’t doing so well.  There were some girls in her pod that had been acting out and it made her thing about some of things she has done as well as bring up some bad memories.  I asked her if it was making her want to self-harm and she said no. Yeah for that, progress!  So I was asking her questions about her feelings and how she is handling it all.

I know that when we talk to her that she is on speaker phone so one of the staff members can listen and so that she doesn’t miss-communicate.  I am fine with this and can understand the reasoning.  However what I didn’t know, and learned in this particular phone call was that everyone listens to it.  Staff members and pod members.  ?????  Even prisoners have some sort of privacy when they talk to there family and friends on the phone.  Why is she not allowed some privacy of a separate room from the other girls.

As she was explaining her feelings one of the girls who apparently was acting out during the last few days was sitting there listening to the conversation and got upset that Tia was talking about her.  One of the staff members starting getting on Tia’s case saying she wasn’t allowed to talk about the other pod members to outsiders.  Tia argued back that she didn’t say anyone’s name and she was discussing it with her mom who was trying to help her work through her feelings.  The staff went on to say something about Tia needing to take responsibility for her own actions and not blame things on others.  I don’t understand why she was saying that because Tia was talking specifically about anyone nor was she playing the blame game. Tia does have a problem with not taking responsibility for her actions or emotions often enough.  But that was not the case in this instance.

Tia told me she couldn’t talk about it anymore and that it was upsetting the girls on her pod.  I asked her, “What do you mean?  Are they all listening?”  She said yes and I again asked if all of the staff members were listening.  Yes.  All of the girls in the pod were listening.  Yes.  I was angry.  No privacy whatsoever.  Not only Tia’s privacy but mine as well.  I sure didn’t say much the rest of the conversation and I had a hard time talking to her on the phone when she called again today.  I don’t want someone that I don’t even know listening to my personal conversation with my daughter.  You could say this “outsider” doesn’t want the insiders to listen to me when I don’t even know them.  It works both ways.  I want to be real with her and not have to worry about how the nine other pod members and the staff were going to interpret anything I was going to say to Tia.

We are driving up to Escanaba right now to see her this weekend and the first thing I intend to discuss with the staff is how inappropriate her phone calls are being handled.  Some days I just want to scream about all of the stupidity I see in our government and the facilities they have incorporated to “help.”

I will let you know soon how the conversation comes out.

I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t been able to express my thoughts properly.  But I shall try. 

So much has happened in the last six weeks to cause us a lot of disappointment.  I have experienced many emotions: anger, frustration, hopelessness, resentment, weariness, and occasionally even hatred. Yes, hatred it is a very strong emotion.  But, we have been through a battle and have yet to see the end of it. 

Doug and I would love nothing more than to have brought Tia home the first time we met her.  But of course there are plenty of steps we must follow before that can happen.   I don’t like it but that is the way it is.  The red tape you have to go through just to adopt a child who is a ward of the state is so much more than it should be.  The earlier you can get a child into a family the sooner they can start to adjust to a happy and healthy life.  But not everyone sees it that way.  Most people involved in this process are more concerned with the paperwork and letter of the law than they are about the mental well being of the child.  They may not believe this is true but if you look at their actions it says this loud and clear. 

Sometimes what is best for someone may be in stark contrast to what the rules or proper procedures are.  This is what we have been running up against time and time again.  Tia has had her phone calls and weekend visitations withheld due to her behavior. Now I agree with the philosophy of withholding priveleges as a tool for teaching or punishing (however you want to see it).  But in the instance where we are a new positive influence to her person our contact should not be withheld as a punishment to her.  We have the abililty to encourage and help her situation.  We are not a game or toy or even a night on the town.  We have the ability to be very influential and helpful to Tia’s situation.  Without contact we can’t help.  That contact has been withheld. 

Our ability for bonding with her has not been allowed to develope.  We tried calling up there on a daily basis to get an update on her behavior and progress.  That unfortunately had to stop as well.  We were told we were confusing the staff and being to pushy.  Well I guess if you want to be involved with your child then that is considered pushy.  Who woulda thunk.  It is so contrary to what we are told the state tries to do.   See, if we were her bio parents we would be required to take classes or get therapy and show that we are involved parents and they would give us all of the support we needed to be a complete family.  But we are not bio parents and so we are not that big of a deal to the state.  Even though we have bent over backwards to complete everything that was required of us.  Adoption classes, parenting classes, read books on dealing with sexually abused children and so on.  But because we do not have any children we are questioned over and over and over again.  Do you really understand what you are getting into?  Do you have any idea what she has done?  Do you know what has happened to her?  Yes, yes and yes! We are not jumping into this blindfolded.   It has taken lots of serious talk and consideration for us to decide to do this.  It was not a whim, a fad or a fancy. 

Two weeks ago I was on a phone conference with several people involved in Tia’s case.  The conference did not go well.  At least by my standards or expectations.  Tia’s attorney was to be on the call but for whatever reason she did not participate.  The funny thing is that the time and day of the call was set up so that she would be able to attend the call.  I don’t know this person but unfortunately I now have an oppinion that this person doesn’t care enough.  The conversation was disappointing.  One of the main discussions was about contact with Tia.  I found out that it was not the policy of the facility to withhold phone calls or visitations from the teenagers unless they are being so agressive that there is a safety concern.  It is not to be used as a means of punishment for not participating in groups discussions, refusing to get up in the morning or for missing classes.  When I learned this I asked why our visitation for that coming weekend had been terminated and they refused to answer. 

Actually, this is what happened.  Doug talked to Tia’s therapist the day before and was told that Tia’s behavior did not warrant a visit for her.  In the teleconference I asked the therapist if this was true, did she say that to Doug.  She said yes.  But a moment before in the conversation I had been told by this same person that we now could have a visit with her that weekend.  My question was:  what was Tia’s behavior that had been preventing her from getting a visit that weekend.  She and her supervisor refused to answer this. 

This is the bull that we had been running up against for a whole month.  Inconsistencies in their policies and not sharing the truth with us.  I was so done with dealing with this kind of program.  The people involved were more concerned about there rules which they couldn’t even follow accurately than with how do we do the best thing for Tia.  I had come to the end of myself.  I gave up hope on all of it.  In fact I had been struggling with the reality that it was very unlikely that this adoption would ever take place.  Others who have a say in Tia’s life were making this such a hardship.  It felt so cold and uncaring.  I didn’t have the strength to deal with these uncaring heartless people.  All I wanted was to take care of Tia.  We could have made so much more progress with her than what they can there as an organization.  She needs people who love her and have put there whole heart into helping her.  But……..well……I sure didn’t see it happening. 

A week or more prior to the teleconference I was not doing well.  I was so down about my infertility and the adoption.  There was a wall on each side of me.  On one side I was at the end of proceeding with fertility treatment because the cost was so inhibiting.  The next step was more than we could afford.  I felt so utterly helpless.  On the other side of me was the difficulties we had been experiencing with the adoption.  It was going down a similar path as our previously failed adoption.  Contact being withheld from us and the ability to bond being severed.  So maybe I was never meant to be a mom.  But that was all I ever dreamed of.  How do you let your biggest dream go?  Trust me I have prayed for G-d to take away that desire.  I truly felt that He had promised me a child but it has not happened.  So maybe I was wrong.  I can’t be wrong.  I can’t give up hoping.  It is so hard.  My faith seems so weak.  Almost non-exsistent.  The pain I have felt over the last three years I want it to be gone.  The two walls were falling in on me and I needed to get out.  I came to the end of myself and decided I could not persue either avenue anymore.  I was done with the fertility treatment and I was done with the adoption.  I had to let it all go because it was killing me.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  The next morning I felt so much lighter.  I was almost happy.  As the day went on I kept thinking about my decision and felt like it was the right thing.  I literally felt like a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders.  It felt so good.  I had energy and I was able to wake up easily instead of feeling like I was raising myself from the dead.  I had joy and excitment again.  I started making my plans.  I was preparing myself mentally for the disappointment and acceptance that this adoption was not going to happen.  After all the teleconference was coming up and I did not expect anything positive to come out of it.  In fact it would take a miracle for them to improve on the whole proceedings.   I was looking forward to having a break from the emotional rollercoaster of month after month being disappointed by another negative pregnancy test.  I also was tired of the hormonal up and down from the clomid I was taking, the hot flashes were a nightmare.  My goal was to concentrate on my health and losing all of the weight I had been gaining through all of this.  I would give myself one year before returning to the fertility treatments and persuing adoption.  I was going to work on being positive, uplifting and happy again.  I missed the old me.  The following week went quite well for me.  I felt like I was in control of my sanity again. 

Then this teleconference came.  I did not expect it to go well and I was not disappointed.  But I guess after the teleconference it finally hit some of the people involved what they were doing and what affect they were having.  In the end it was agreed that the facility was no longer going to withhold the phone and visitation priveleges from Tia.  It did not come easily, in fact the concession seemed to be forced.  It shouldn’t have been since what they had been doing went completely against there policy anyway.  We were not able to get her court date moved up from September but I think some of those involved might try to convince the judge at that hearing to let Tia out of the program early and come home with us.  My expectations for that to happen are not high but I hope they prove me wrong.  We shall see in a couple of months where these others stand.  If they are going to work for us or not.  So I expected the adoption to be over but it is not.  It wasn’t a great miracle but it was a start. 

I have remained emotionally neutral over this adoption ever since the teleconference.  Is this a way of protecting my sanity while we continue down this road?  I have yet to know.  After all we have already been through one failed adoption not of our choosing.  I don’t want to be hurt by again but the bigger picture is that Tia deserves a chance at life.  Their misconduct has directly affected this adoption process in a very unpleasant way.  I have lost faith and respect in the program designed to help the Michigan orphans.  They are the biggest hinderence to the childrens happiness.  

Well, Doug and I did make it up to see Tia the weekend directly following the teleconference which happened to fall on July 4th.  So we got to see her on a holiday.  We arrived at the facility for visitation promptly at 11am.  The first hour we had a meeting with the supervisor that I remember being on the phone call.  I had not met him prior to that day.  I was not looking forward to the meeting, in fact I felt quite ill. 

He was very cordial upon meeting us and we had a very open and honest discussion about what we have been through and what are expectations were for the future.  He listened intently and was sorry that we had such a poor experience with them.  He wanted to start over on the right foot and was going to be more involved in Tia’s case.  Suprisingly the conversation went well and I felt much better when they finally went to bring Tia to us.  They shared some lunch with us while we talked. 

I felt like their shell started to crack a bit while we were there.  They seemed to acknowledge that our situation is different than the other kids at the facility.  Where they have attached families and there is an established relationship with.  They also have a lot of family issues to work through.  We don’t have that negative history with Tia.  We still need to have family sessions so that we can help her work through the problems that she has had to go through.  But we are trying to make them see that it is necessary for us to have off site visits with her sooner that what the kids are allowed to have.  Since we don’t have a history with her we need the chance to start building positive experiences and memories with her.  It would be nice if we could take her out for a couple of hours and have lunch or go bowling or anything fun. 

It is hard to get really comfortable in a detention facilty or clinical setting.   It has such a cold sterile environment.  They don’t even have a couch.  Anyway they are starting to see the benefit this could have for Tia and now they just need to work out the logistics to make it happen.  Which in my biased and not so optimistic oppinion is going to take them a couple of months and by that time we will be up to her court hearing date.  Anyway, I am supposed to be thankful for what I can get and…well….I’m working on that. 

Tia is such a brilliant girl. She puts so much thought into her hopes and dreams for her family.  She had prepared a list of her fears that she read to us and then we went through them with her one by one.  She is so real and forthcoming.  We encouraged her and told her it was okay to have questions and concerns about life.  We were so glad she shared with us so we can help her overcome them.  And some of them we needed to know so we are able to be aware of our actions and how they may affect her. 

She has been wanting to change her first name in addition to taking our name when the adoption is final.  I don’t have any problems with this other than I want to be sure that it is what she really wants to do.  I guess I was just concerned that she was saying it because she thought that is what we wanted.  She has been making a list of names and keeps talking about it so I think she really does want it.  A couple weeks ago she came up with Clarissa and it was really growing on me but she has changed her mind.  We shall see what else she comes up with.

Well I am sure your eyes are tired from all of the reading.  I will try not to wait so long between posts.

This is the letter I had Molly read in the BIG teleconference call last Wednesday July 1.  I have taken the name of the facility since it is not really valid for the sake of the meaning of the letter.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

I would first like to start by saying thank you to all the professionals here on this phone call today for Tia’s sake.  I am sorry that I could not be with you but I have written this letter and asked Molly to read it to you so you know where I stand and where my heart is in all this.

Please let Molly complete this entire letter without interruption.  If you have something to interject please write it down and Molly will be glad to listen to your input after this letter is completed.

Tia is completely and utterly alone in Michigan and in her life.  She has not ever had a family in this state.  Her mother was from Florida where Tia was born.  How could you function or cope knowing that you have no one out there to call family, no place out there to call home, if you knew there was nothing but yourself and the world with no help.

A government facility cannot convince a child of hope, that there is help and love, meaning and purpose – only family and God can do that.

There is NEVER a substitute for a good home with loving parents.  The State is not a parent, the state will not mend a broken heart, the state will not be there for her when life is hard and she needs a shoulder to cry on, the state will not be there when she has boyfriend issues, needs a quick word of guidance and most importantly when she needs advice or behavior that is Godly.

The concerns I have are for Tia is for her to have a prolonged stay at the facility. The facility is not a facility that is going tend to the deep emotional wounds that only parents can deal with. The facility is not a facility capable of handling its primary role and facilitate an adoption simultaneously.

The facility is more concerned with trying to teach behavior that is meant to keep Tia from going back into the court system.  While I agree that is a worthwhile endeavor, behaviors are not taught to children with great success but best learned through modeling.  With that said The facility serves as more of a band-aid versus true emotional healing to the deep hurt inside of Tia.

Using the most important thing in this whole process, bonding opportunities with her soon to be parents, as leverage to seek compliant behavior in not acceptable and is inhumane.  How would you cope if the only thing that mattered to you, your parents, a spouse or your children were used as a ransom to elicit compliant behavior?

Would that have the long-term life changing effect or would it only serve to get by for the short term?

Molly and I need to have undeniable access to Tia regardless of her behavior.  How did The facility handle her behavior before we were in the picture? Using us as pawns only serves to demonstrate to Tia, that she deserves a family only if she is being good – how would you cope if that is the way that those in power over you treated you?

Family and parents are there for bad times not just when behavior is in compliance.

Tia, The State of Michigan, and society in general will be best served by having Tia adopted by a loving Family.  Her parents will not just teach her tip and tricks to try and be a good young woman but will parent her to help mend the deep wounds in only the way love from parents can.

We, as soon to be parents, are here now. How detrimental to Tia would it be for her to have a prolonged stay at The facility to be released with just a bunch of techniques vs. involved intense family therapy?  How confusing would it be for her to come home and be parented in a manner that conflicts with the compliance methods of a government facility.  What message does that send to a young distressed teenager when her parents have to undue what was taught as gospel by a myriad of “staff” because her parents have the desire and rights to parent this young women as we see fit in a God loving home.

Molly and I are under no delusions of the severity of Tia’s issues but we feel we are well suited for this.  We have been married for 10 years this September and our marriage is the cornerstone from which we will build a strong family foundation.  Molly is the best woman I’ve ever known.  She is patient, loving, kind, subtly forceful and will make a great mother.

I, on the other hand, have had a somewhat turbulent past due to divorce and acting out in my teenage years.  I have been down some of the same roads Tia has gone down and I can relate to some of her hurt.  Today I am a college graduate with some masters level education, an entrepreneur, have been married longer than most in the U.S., and I am a professional aviator.  At work I command a multimillion-dollar jet and have hundreds of peoples live in my hands on a daily basis.  I say that to let you know that I know how to make decision that have complex and life changing ramifications.  I am able to say this today not because of the help of a government facility but because I had a parent.  We are well suited to become Tia’s parents.

I implore this group of people that have this fragile young lady’s sanity and life in their hands – DO NOT let this opportunity to save her life pass through your hands.  DO NOT let bureaucracy for the sake of bureaucratic process be the status quo.

Save Tia’s life…let her come home and begin the long difficult road to a healthy life with parents that WILL be with her for a lifetime by the end of this summer.

I thank you for letting me have the opportunity to share this.

Doug

Meant to post the earlier – Sorry!

I meant to post this earlier – Sorry!

The last couple of days have been a bit strained.  Tuesday I waited for Tia’s phone call at my mom’s but it didn’t come.  I called the facility and spoke to the team leader about Tia’s behavior for the day.  She read from a log of all the things Tia has done wrong over the last few days and it was quite a depressing list.  I think the thing that is starting to bother me about the team leader is that I have yet to hear her say one positive thing that Tia has done or one positive way they have encouraged her good behavior.  Tia does have good days and moments which some of the other staff members have relayed to us so we know she is not lacking in good behavior.  Doug and I are starting to see a pattern emerge here.  Every time Tia approaches her group about trying to obtain a home pass and they say no she starts to self harm and act out against the staff.  Every time the staff gives her some information, such as we are not allowed to visit her this weekend because of her behavior, she flies off the handle and goes into her downward spiral.

Yes, that’s right, we have been denied a visit with Tia this weekend and on top of that we have been removed from her contact list as well.  While I was talking to Tia’s team leader she told me that until she hears from Tia’s juvenile justice worker saying it is okay for us to be on her contact list we are no longer able to have contact with her.  ???  I explained my confusion at being put on the list and having a visit with Tia already and it wasn’t a problem.  In fact the team leader was present when we gave Tia our phone numbers and the worker said well we will make sure to get them on her list right away.  Now the story has changed?!?  Why, what is different?  Her response was that the next time we are there for a visit she will give us a copy of the visitation policy.  It sounds like they are using Tia contact to us as a means to punish and make her cooperate but instead they are having the opposite effect on her.  I informed the worker that she is taking away the means that we have to build a relationship and bond with Tia.  If we don’t bond then how are we to be a productive part of helping her through the program and in becoming a productive, responsible adult?  The standard answer to everything is that Tia needs to learn that she cannot continue with this negative behavior and we need to find a way for all of us to work together to help her.  No kidding!  Isn’t this what we want and are trying to do?  But again, how when we can’t have contact with her.  I was very much at a loss by the end of the conversation.

Each day that we have contact with this facility I become more aware of this growing feeling that this is the wrong place for Tia.  I don’t know that she will succeed there.  She needs to come home and work with people who can help her with a LOVING commitment and encouragement.

Wednesday we were to have a teleconference with our case worker, Tia’s case worker,  DHS worker, adoption worker, juvenile justice worker and a staff member from the facility.  When we got on the call we learned that the juvenile justice worker and staff from the facility were not available for the call.  Unfortunately they are two key players in this conversation so there was not much of a point in holding the call.  However, I did get to express my disappointment at losing our privileges of having contact with Tia.  Her adoption worker was not aware that this had happened and he was going to try to work on us getting our weekend visit back.  He didn’t understand why this happened and when he was on the phone earlier in the day with the team leader she made no mention of this change.

On a positive note…We did get a call from Tia last night.  I guess the other staff didn’t get the memo that we are no longer on her contact list.  I sure wasn’t going to tell them.  It was on speaker phone so that a staff member could listen in and make sure that Tia was not misconstruing anything that we say.  Unfortunately she has been doing this.  I think it is more that she hears what she wants hear.  Something that we need to work on with her.  I let Doug do the talking in the conversation with her.  He was great.  He encouraged her and tried to get her to focus on her behavior for tomorrow.  She was really sorry that she had lost her visit for the weekend.  We thought the call went very well.

So we are back to waiting.  Waiting for a new teleconference where everyone can be available.  Waiting for contact to resume.  Waiting for answers.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  I feel like my life is made up of waiting people who push paper to make my life complete.  My heart is in this but the powers that be, who decide what’s best for Tia, don’t have to be emotionally involved.  It’s just another case to work on and they get to it when they get to it.

We are trying to get the teleconference for today so this does not drag out.  We also expect to here back from the adoption worker today about hopefully getting our visitation back on for this weekend.

So that is it for now.  I just have to sit and wait.

Molly

Well the last week has been very trying for Tia.  We feel so helpless being so far from her.  She regressed quite a lot after our weekend visit with her.  We have kept in touch with the facility nearly every day to check on her behavior.  She stopped doing her homework and participation with the group.  She also started some of her self harming measures again: sticking her head in the toilet, locking herself in the bathroom, getting onto a table and refusing to move, attacking staff and fighting with peers.  She has been very defiant.

We do get to talk to her on the phone occasionally.  Monday and Tuesday are her phone days.  Last week Monday we were able to talk to her and at that point she was doing okay.  She did say she was struggling with some emotion that was due to her talking to the group about having a home visit.  They told her that when she showed some steady improvement in her behavior then she would be able to have a home pass.  She was so excited about having a family that I am sure being told no to a home pass was like pouring water on the fire.  A letdown to say the least.  I think this is where she started to spiral downward and the week just got bad from then on.

Tia had asked to speak to “grandma,” my mom, and so we had made arrangements that I would drive to her house Tuesday after work and then Tia would call us about six pm.  We waited until 6:30 and still no call from Tia.  I ended up calling the facility and found out that she was not cooperating and had lost her phone privileges for that day.  The staff member I spoke to said she had locked herself in the bathroom for some time and refused to go to class or do her homework.  She had also attacked one of the female staff and ripped the woman’s sweater.  Oiy!  She ended up needing restraints to help her calm down.  Each day we called for an update on her progress.  She took small baby steps to improving her behavior throughout the week but it was slow progress.

Saturday she was able to make up her phone call that she lost on Tuesday and Doug and I chatted with her.  She said she was doing better but still struggling.  All she wanted was to come home and said that she missed us so much.  We tried encouraging her through the conversation and to motivate her to get her homework done and work on positive behaviors.

For the last couple of days she has been improving more and when I talked to her today she sounded a lot happier.  She said she had done her homework and was all caught up.  She also participated in the group and was feeling better.  The staff told her that we have been calling up there to check on her and that we want her to do better.  I think it finally started to motivate her yesterday.

We are planning our second trip to Escanaba this weekend.  Friday we will drive up there and hopefully get there with enough time to see her that afternoon.  I have no idea what to expect but my hope and goal for this week is to get an approval from the staff to take her off the site for a couple of hours.  Maybe take her out for lunch or bowling.  It isn’t very probable but I am going to try.  Regardless we are going to make it fun.  I will bring games and she wants to do my hair so I will bring a brush and some rubber bands.

I am going to my mom’s again tomorrow after work and hopefully this time we will get to talk to Tia.  I’m sure it will be fine this time.

Molly